FACING THE MUSIC...

I'm writing this from a coffee shop in Tynemouth I like, I've never actually come out for coffee by myself before and I'm actually really digging it. Makes me feel like a creative by just sitting with my Mac, headphones in and drinking good coffee. Pretentious? stereotypical? Yeah I know but I love it...

I started this blog to break out the creativity I feel inside of me, particularly music, though I wanted it to be in other creative fields too. I started photography which I'm really enjoying and I've actually realised that it's something subconsciously I've wanted to undertake since I was a teenager. I just never connected the dots to realise it. Now I've posted a lot about my photography journey because guess what? Without realising I have given myself permission to fail in photography. I feel like I can justify my failure or a crap photo. Why? because I've only been doing it for 3 months. I'm not educated in it. I can be unorthodox with it because I don't really know 'the rules' so to speak. I just know what my eye likes. I'm learning, I'm growing and I'm less bothered about bad pictures than I was in the beginning. I'm a beginner and I can accept that and I'm surprisingly comfortable with that.

Music is a different beast. Ever since starting this blog I've largely avoided it other than learning songs for different events I've been playing at. The cost is bigger for me with music because its one of the original great loves in my life. It's what I dreamt about doing in some capacity from a young age. The idea of creating music for a living, creating, playing and touring with a group of friends just sounded amazing. I always wanted to be part of writing an album, like a proper album in a proper studio, with a producer, sculpting something from nothing. An album I could be proud to be part of. I always wanted my name in an album sleeve somewhere no matter how small a part I played.

A lot of dreams and ideals were and are attached to music. I've played the guitar for 23 years, took lessons for about 11 years, did the guitar grades, learnt the theory, went to uni and by God's grace got a first class degree in contemporary music. I was the only person on my course to get a first.

On paper I've got the tools to be the musician I want to be but I've never felt like I've even come close to hitting my potential with it, especially when it comes to writing and creating. I've always made excuses, shied away from it and just dreamt and procrastinated.

You see, if I look at my approach to photography I see the opposite to how I am with music. I know the 'rules' so to speak with music, I'm schooled in music, I know the broad rules and techniques with guitar, I know how to create sounds and textures in music. I would consider myself an experienced musician although saying that makes me feel awkward. The weight of expectation from myself is quite crippling even just from the view of how much of my life in time, effort, study and money I've given to music and that's before comparison barges into the room and beats me to a pulp before I can create anything. The fear of disappointment and failure come in for the final knock out blows. Game over. Thats the cycle I've been locked into on a daily basis, 99% of the time.

So I started this blog and said I'll begin to make music etc, but I haven't done any music creation. I hoped it would force me to try but it didn't. Being honest, I avoided it more because I know it'll hurt when I don't make something I like and I've invested so much time, money and dreaming into music. In my head one failure means the end of my musical aspiration and dreams. Irrational right? I know. I feel like the failure is going to indicate to me its over, that I'm not good enough.

It would mean putting my dreams aside, they're stupid and unrealistic. That's not the truth though. There is hope, failure is the start of the journey, the first few steps of just doing, creating. The truth is, it's the beginning of an adventure which can only broaden, expand and lead me on a path onwards to creating more things, better things, the things I dream of making.

What I'm learning from my photography journey is that I'm actually beginning to enjoy looking back at past pictures that I thought were good at the time but now I actually dislike it. Sometimes only in a matter of weeks my opinion has changed about something I've done. I see the progress now from this position and I'm encouraged by it but only in light of the past work can I see it. I've realised that its an important aspect of moving forward with creating anything for me. I need the past failures to inform me of how far I've come on this journey, otherwise I have no reference of progress. Without it I'm not realising any improvement in my craft or how far I've come in my creative journey.

So today I'm giving myself permission to face the music and create. I'm ready to look back and be ok with those past creations and realise I've probably learned, grown and improved, I'm better because of the failure. I'm taking away the self made pressure that it needs to be anything because of my ideals, dreams or education. Like my photography journey, if I persist in regular writing starting now, I should be able to see progress in maybe three months. In the past I would have instinctively spent three months talking, procrastinating and thinking about making music. I've spent the last 15 years doing that. Hopefully this new mentality will energise me to push onwards and believe for more as I take initial steps.

So my task in the next week of posting this blog is create something musical, just for myself, so that I can begin this journey properly. I'm giving myself permission to fail because now I know that only when I look back on that first piece to come will I realise I'm moving faster and further than I think and that feeling and realisation of progress will be the fuel to take me forwards into breaking the fear of creating.

Maybe you're in a similar situation where you're scared to face a certain type of creativity you know it is on the inside of you but you're worried it won't live up to your high expectations, so you don't even try to engage with it. The pressure is too much. Let me encourage you to DO IT regardless. Release the pressure. The reality is, it may not live up to that expectation on the first attempt but as I'm learning, it's the first necessary step on a new journey which can only cause you to get better at your craft.

So let me ask you, what do you need to give yourself permission to create?

What do you need to give yourself permission to fail in?

What creative journey do you need to begin today?

Release the pressure, it is self created anyway.

As I face the music maybe you need to face that thing too and start creating today!